Caring Conversationalists Use this Tool

tools1“The best minute you spend is the one you invest in people.”                Ken Blanchard, The Secret, The New One Minute Manager

If you’re a good  listener with a sincere desire to encourage others, you’ll love adding this powerful tool to your skills.Here’s how it works:

You’re settled down for a  lunch meeting with your  friend Janey, and as a good listener you start with this conversational opener. “Janey,  I’m excited to hear about your final week at school.Tell me all about it. ” She excitedly begins and you focus in as you Engage totally on your good friend. You’re  dedicating your body, mind and spirit to assure that you really hear, understand and appreciate all she’s saying. For now, your new listening skill remains in your conversational tool kit.

As she continues, you  Affirm  what she’s saying, naturally letting your eyes, expressions, gestures and comments encourage her. You’re not saying much, but you can see that she’s appreciating  your active listening. You continue to enjoy her enthusiasm as you nod, smile and offer an “Uh, huh.” You’re  ready to use your new conversational tool, but realize that the time hasn’t come yet.

Next, as she pauses for a sip of her coffee, you briefly, take the imaginary conversational microphone from her to  Reflect  Janey’s comments back to her. “It sounds like you were totally surprised,” you prompt, then you pass the mic back. You know that even repeating her exact words to her will demonstrate your interest and be encouraging for her to continue. You also sense that the time is approaching when you’ll be able to send  an even more meaningful affirmation to your friend.

That moment comes when Janey tries to  redirect the conversation to you. “Well, enough about me,”she says, “How are you doing?” This is your cue to  send a powerful message of caring that affirms your interest in her in a way she probably hasn’t heard before. You stifle your natural desire to talk about yourself, and instead invite your good friend to say more. This conversational move could sound something like this. ” Thanks for asking about me, but first,  I’m interested in hearing more about your award.” Your friend  feels greatly honored and, as you continue to listen well, she feels connected with you at a new and deeper level.

After she has finished, you use this conversation transitional time to Summarize. You  demonstrate that you’ve listened well by giving a brief recap of what  she has said. If dates, times, or tasks were presented, you affirm that you have them right. If appropriate, you promise that you’ll follow through on whatever you’ve agreed to do. For example, “I’ll look forward to the class reunion on the 12th, at 5pm, at your house and I’ll bring the salad.”

The key point in growing as a great conversationalist is, of course, developing the self-discipline to be able to stifle the natural urge to take the speaker’s mic to tell your own story.  As you experience the joy of enriching others by being a super listener, you’ll discover that the relational rewards are huge. You’ll become less self-centered and others will seek you out to engage you in conversation. Keep working at it. It takes a heart for others, discipline and practice  to use your EARS— –  E-Engage, A-Affirm, R-Reflect and S- Summarize— to really connect with others.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”       Stephen R.  Covey

Why Hire for Attitude

grumpy“Hire for attitude. You can always teach skills.”  Simon Sinek

Ever wonder why Zappos and Southwest hire their customer service superstars for attitude? The main reason is that they recognize that the attitudinal features of a candidate are as fixed as his shoe size. They’re not going to hire a misfit expecting to invest resources in ” …trying to fix him.”

So, when you’re considering candidates, if  you need someone who wears a 9 1/2, and you can see that this guy is otherwise great, but he wears  11’s. Move on to the next candidate.  Don’t make the mistake of expecting to make it all work by adapting him into your 9 1/2’s. If you do, you’ve set both him and yourself up for disappointment. By the end of his first day, he’ll have sore feet, be miserable and may not even be in the next day.

You see the analogy with his attitude, right? If you need a positive upbeat person and your candidate is an anal, serious minded, sort of guy who needs the job, he may make an effort to convince you that he can accommodate to your needs, but by the end of the day, he’ll be exhausted, miserable and may call in sick the next day.
So, before you offer a candidate the job, assure that his natural attitude and shoe size fit your expectations for the best person for the position. Remember, training will not change his inborn attitude or his shoe size, it’s how he’s built.

And yes,  you could  also flip this illustration around and make the mistake of hiring charming, “Ms. Bubbly” for your inspectors job, a position that requires an attitude of skepticism, accuracy and precision. You’d again discover that even though folks love her, for this job, she’s a misfit and you won’t change  her.

Hire for attitude. Train for skills.

“…managers will always struggle to change …prevailing attitudes.” Marcus Buckingham

#1 Reason to Hire for Attitude

grumpy“Hire for attitude. You can always teach skills.”  Simon Sinek

Ever wonder why Zappos and Southwest hire their customer service superstars for attitude? The main reason is that they recognize that the attitudinal features of a candidate are as fixed as his shoe size. They’re not going to hire a misfit expecting to invest resources in ” …trying to fix him.”

So, when you’re considering candidates, if  you need someone who wears a 9 1/2, and you can see that this guy is otherwise great, but he wears  11’s. Move on to the next candidate.  Don’t make the mistake of expecting to make it all work by adapting him into your 9 1/2’s. If you do, you’ve set both him and yourself up for disappointment. By the end of his first day, he’ll have sore feet, be miserable and may not even be in the next day.

You see the analogy with his attitude, right? If you need a positive upbeat person and your candidate is an anal, serious minded, sort of guy who needs the job, he may make an effort to convince you that he can accommodate to your needs, but by the end of the day, he’ll be exhausted, miserable and may call in sick the next day.
So, before you offer a candidate the job, assure that his natural attitude and shoe size fit your expectations for the best person for the position. Remember, training will not change his inborn attitude or his shoe size, it’s how he’s built.

And yes,  you could  also flip this illustration around and make the mistake of hiring charming, “Ms. Bubbly” for your inspectors job, a position that requires an attitude of skepticism, accuracy and precision. You’d again discover that even though folks love her, for this job, she’s a misfit and you won’t change  her.

Hire for attitude. Train for skills.

“…managers will always struggle to change …prevailing attitudes.” Marcus Buckingham

3 Ways to be More Likeable

avoiding“People like people who like them.” Kare Anderson

Running for office? George Gallup has discovered that the deciding factor between  Issues, Party and Likeability is the “L” word. In fact, whatever business you’re in, your likeability can make or break you. According to The Like Ability Factor author, Tim Sanders, “… the more well liked you are,the more likely you are to keep your job.”

Who doesn’t want to be liked? If you can be you and be liked, not only, is it a natural place to live in, but also, it’s a position with significant benefits.   For starters, if you’re liked, other people will be more apt to  show you grace and become a cheerleader for you.  As well, studies say that  better things will come your way and you’ll be happier.

In fact, according to a 1992 survey, if you’re likeable, you’re likelihood of divorce is one half of the divorce rate of the general public.   As a bonus, studies show that likeable people are healthier to boot.

Here are three tips for improving your likeability.

 1.  Be transparent and real. A cheesy smile, feigned enthusiasm and too much makeup may get you a quick look, but if you’re perceived as self-centered, with an artificial aura, you could cause people to be cautious of  a deeper relationship. Just be you, and let your natural personality guide your style as you focus on others. Your honesty about faults, fears and faux pas can make you more approachable than gloating about your title, connections and accomplishments.

2. Talk less, listen more.  Have you ever heard of anyone avoiding someone because “They listen too much,” of course not,  but they will hide from you if you’re a “Gas-bag.” Talkers often focus on themselves, their own agendas and scripts. The stories may be interesting for a minute or two, but likeability suffers as the yakking continues. Getting away gracefully from a long-winded person takes some skill. Check out these escape tools.

Contrariwise, likeable great listeners  are masters at asking leading questions and encouraging others to keep the microphone in their hands.

3. Remember  names and passions It goes without saying that you should remember  preferred names, but you can also improve your likeability by remembering personal passions. Remember what others are  excited about; what’s important to them. When you say to me “Hi Dick, how’s that new grandson, Lincoln?” You’ve won my endorsement as a likeable person.

You’ll be someone others will want to be around if you’re comfortable in your own skin, a great  listener and someone who remembers people and their story. People will be saying “I really like that lady.”

“If other people don’t perceive you as friendly, you aren’t friendly.” Tim Sanders, The Like Ability Factor.

Great Leaders Read People

Read People“The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.”    Buddha

Relationships can  be built by using a trial and error approach to developing effective communications  with others. Great leaders, however, have learned that there’s a better way to more quickly connect with people – Determine their personality type.

Truly effective team builders have developed the  ability to see beyond appearances and quickly determine a person’s personality type. This provides them with  a time-saving advantage in establishing meaningful relationships, influencing decisions and motivating actions. Here’s a simple tool that you can use  to  rapidly understand the basic personality wiring of the person you’re seeking to connect with. Try the application on yourself first.

Which of these life-slogans  best describes you? Note that you’re likely to be a mix of two, but pick the one that’s most dominant.

1. “Get it done.”   2. “Do it right.”    3. “Lighten up.”   4.“Take it easy.”

Here’s what your choice reveals about your default behaviors:

If  your choice is #1, you’re a RED. You’re wired to be all business and fast paced. You like to get a job done quickly. You’re pleased when you  get a lot accomplished.

If you’ve selected #2, you’re a GREEN. You’re also all business, but you prefer to take your time on each task to assure that you do a thorough job. High quality work is important to you.

If #3 seems to fit you, you’re a BLUE. You’re fast paced and you enjoy entertaining people, particularly by telling stories and jokes. You know many people.

If you see yourself as a #4, you’re a GOLD. You prefer a slow and calm pace. You like helping people. You enjoy close relationships.

Which life-slogan color fits you best? Can you determine the life-slogan colors for others? Practice on your friends.

Once you have a color, then you can adapt your communications style to that color. Here are  some  guidelines for connecting best with each type:

RED- Don’t spend much time on fellowship. Don’t waste their time. Get right to the bottom-line. These folks are outcome-driven. They’re interested in getting back to the task at hand.

GREEN- Minimize the social time. Give them all the details of any project you want them to do. As well, give them plenty of time to process the information and to do  what you’d like them to do.

BLUE- Be a great listener. Let them have the microphone. Show appreciation for what they say and do. Follow up with a written summary of any requests you’ve made of them.

GOLD-  Connect in a warm, caring manner. Be transparent and understanding.  Give them your time, interest and heartfelt support.

Remember that if you’re seeking to lead and influence, you want  to connect with other people based on their  wiring, not your own.

I’m doing a 3 hour personality types training for the Chamber of Commerce on Wednesday, 10/21 in Waynesboro, PA.Get more information here.

“The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.”  Ken Blanchard

Great Leaders Read People

teambuilding“The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.”    Buddha

Relationships can  be built by using a trial and error approach to developing effective communications  with others. Great leaders, however, have learned that there’s a better way to more quickly connect with people – Determine their personality type.

Truly effective team builders have developed the  ability to see beyond appearances and quickly determine a person’s personality type. This provides them with  a time-saving advantage in establishing meaningful relationships, influencing decisions and motivating actions. Here’s a simple tool that you can use  to  rapidly understand the basic personality wiring of the person you’re seeking to connect with. Try the application on yourself first.

Which of these life-slogans  best describes you? Note that you’re likely to be a mix of two, but pick the one that’s most dominant.

1. “Get it done.”   2. “Do it right.”    3. “Lighten up.”   4.“Take it easy.”

Here’s what your choice reveals about your default behaviors:

If  your choice is #1, you’re a RED. You’re wired to be all business and fast paced. You like to get a job done quickly. You’re pleased when you  get a lot accomplished.

If you’ve selected #2, you’re a GREEN. You’re also all business, but you prefer to take your time on each task to assure that you do a thorough job. High quality work is important to you.

If #3 seems to fit you, you’re a BLUE. You’re fast paced and you enjoy entertaining people, particularly by telling stories and jokes. You know many people.

If you see yourself as a #4, you’re a GOLD. You prefer a slow and calm pace. You like helping people. You enjoy close relationships.

Which life-slogan color fits you best? Can you determine the life-slogan colors for others? Practice on your friends.

Once you have a color, then you can adapt your communications style to that color. Here are  some  guidelines for connecting best with each type:

RED- Don’t spend much time on fellowship. Don’t waste their time. Get right to the bottom-line. These folks are outcome-driven. They’re interested in getting back to the task at hand.

GREEN- Minimize the social time. Give them all the details of any project you want them to do. As well, give them plenty of time to process the information and to do  what you’d like them to do.

BLUE- Be a great listener. Let them have the microphone. Show appreciation for what they say and do. Follow up with a written summary of any requests you’ve made of them.

GOLD-  Connect in a warm, caring manner. Be transparent and understanding.  Give them your time, interest and heartfelt support.

Remember that if you’re seeking to lead and influence, you want  to connect with other people based on their  wiring, not your own.

I’m doing a 3 hour personality types training for the Chamber of Commerce on Wednesday, 10/21 in Waynesboro, PA.Get more information here.

“The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.”  Ken Blanchard

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